Thursday, December 22, 2005

Being The Fat Friend

A short piece about what it's like to have skinny friends when you're overweight yourself.

"I have a sorority sister who is a size 22, but grew with friends that were no higher than a 12. So, her mindset is slightly less accepting of her plus size than mine is. It is something we both talked about. She says that while her friends never cared about her weight, it was hard going from shop to shop that only have clothes for smaller sizes."

How about you? Do your friends ever make you feel self-conscious about your size, or are you the only one who actually notices?

33 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was shopping with my sister the other day, and she forced me into Abercrombie and Fitch. While in there, I saw a t-shirt that had written on the front, "Do I make you look fat?"

It was one of the most offensive t-shirts I have seen. (Was this one of those shirts involved in the "girlcott" of a few months ago? I don't remember.)

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My best friend is size seven. Her friends are at 2s and 0s. My 16 seems enormous next to that. We definitely cannot go shopping together, but the only time I notice it is at the bars.. I feel like The Fat One and

7:56 AM  
Blogger Rosemary Riveter said...

I was dubbed "the fat one" by my little group of friends, because I was larger than them. It definietly did not help my self esteem. Those kinds of labels tend to become self fulfilling prophecies.

I was set up on a blind date with a creepy guy solely because "he really likes BIG GIRLS, so you'll be fine!" He wasn't utterly creepy, just not so good at talking to girls, and the funny thing is that he was shocked when he met me, apparantly my so called friend had painted me to be a really big girl, when I was a 5'8" size 14, he was expecting (and hoping for) someone in the 22+ size range. The worst thing about the experience was realizing that this girl I thought was my friend had mentally categorized me as enormously fat, and thus completely undesirable except by guys with a fat fetish.

Constantly believing myself to be "the fat one" meant that I didn't pay much attention when I started to gain an unhealthy excess of fat. If I was already "the fat one" what did it matter if I got fatter?

Looking back I realize that when I was 15-18 I *was* curvier than my friends, but it was mostly a difference in shape, not really excess weight, especially since we could share clothes. I've got an exaggerated hourglass/pear-shaped figure, I had it when I was (very briefly) a size 12, all the way up to a size 22, and I still have it as a size 16! In contrast, my friends were either tall and willowy, or petite and pixie-ish.

I got the "you're the fat one" thing from my family too. My older sister has always been skinny, my Mum used to be very petite, and my father's mental image of attractive does not include the aforementioned exaggerated hourglass, so any compliment on my appearance was usually given the caveat of "you're a pretty big person though...". I'm glad I figured out that he was just stating fact, not making a moral judgement.

Yikes. This is really long. Evidently it touched a nerve. I even have an unpublished rant saved in my blog about this. Sigh.

I have a feeling my kids are going to be "chunky", my husband's family are all broad shouldered atheletes, and my family all have big bums. I hope I can save them from this nonsense.

11:04 AM  
Blogger MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

I've been feeling bulkier than usual these days and have written a couple posts on Being The Fat Girl. I guess I found this blog through Tales From The Scale and i can totally relate to these comments and the women who feel these ways.

I'm concocting a post on how I know I'm becoming the Fat One again...

4:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, being the "fat friend" is the worst feeling ever. But its not just a bad feeling, its a bad life. Im 17,a size 20, and ive never had a guy even look at me. my best friend (and really only girlfriend) is gorgeous, and a size 00. I would give anything to be smaller, and im working on it as had as i possibly can, but i am so sorry for all the overweight girl who have to feel the way that I do. I hoenstly thing one of the hardest things in life is to have to live this way. its not fair to be looked at as the fat girl, to hear fat jokes and pretend it doesnt offend you, to worry about whether or not your going to fit into things, going shopping in stores and having nothing to buy because ur too fat. I wish that no one ever has to feel this pain. The way society looks at fat people is, I feel, unaccpetable, and if only these people knew how much it hurts everyday to wake up and pray that no one says something about ur weight, and hope that ur outfit makes u look skinnier.

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm the fat fried in my group of friends, but that's changing as I lose weight. I'm a size 8, one is a size 6 and the other two are fours.

It's a bit depressing, but you can still find cute clothes in size 8.

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being the fat friend is a horrible feeling especially if everyone around you is a twig. The feeling has gottn even worse now that Abercrombie and Hollister is the new craze now. An overweight person could never fit into those clothes. To fit into extra large you still have to be extremely thin. When bathing suit season comes around and the prom I always feel especially "fatter" since everyone is striving to fit into those size 2 dresses...i wish you could just be accepted as who you are inside instead of being tagged the "fate friend" because of the way you look on the outside.

10:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am 15 and at school it feel that all the fat girls are all my friends so I really don't feel that bad when they are around because they understand, but when I have to stand up in front on the class everybody start to whisper.

10:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is hard. I am a size 11, while my sister is a 0 as are all my friends. It's hard being drug around the mall to find "cute clothes" around her or my friends. They always find clothes, I never do.

I never explained my thoughts to my friends, I dont know if they will understand. It makes me feel self concious walking into AF with my friends, I hate the clothes, but to actually shop with my friends; they think something is wrong with me when I dont pick out something to try on.

5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I try and pretend that being bigger than all my friends doesnt bother me, but it does. I have a boyfriend and everyting, but i still like the fact that guys wanna talk to me. And being around them, GUYS DONT!! Im always the quiet one, the one sitting @ the end of the table alone, not talking to anyone. The thing is IM NOT A QUIET A PERSON

8:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a size 10-14, depending on the clothes. I'm not really 'fat', per se, just shaped differently. I'm sixteen, and shopping in the junior sections of stores is impossible. Who decided extra-large is a size 9? I have a more...womanly shape than any of my friends (I have boobs and an ass, basically). My best friend is 5'1", 95 pounds, and I'm 5'7, 167 pounds. Yeah, imagine going shopping with her. Not fun. None of my friends are near my size, and, yeah, it's depressing enough that way, but when I can't even shop in the same department as them, it pisses me off. I have to shop in the misses section, where the clothes are designed for the 27+ age group. Not my style. I like some clothes for my age group, but can't wear them, and none of my friends really understand how much that truely pisses me off.
Sorry, that was long, but, hey, when you're pissed for good reason, you have a right to complain about it, yeah?

2:51 PM  
Blogger Me101 said...

I am the fat one in my group of friends, i am also the ugly one. I am 20 years old, and I have never had anyone tell me I am pretty or attractive...I hate myself so much, but none of my friends seem to notice. I am a size 18 on top, and a 22 trousers. I hate my body so much, but I can never talk to anyone about it, as no one will understand. My sister is anorexic, so I can't talk to my family, and anyway, my mum and step dad tell me that i am perfect, but they have to say that, they just dont understand that when you've gone through your teenage years with people telling you your fat, and not being able to join in conversations about where you get your clothes from, or being able to go clothes shopping with your friends because your so embarassed that you can only buy clothes from one or two shops, it gets hard to belive your mum. i hate being me so much it hurts, being the 'fat one' means no one guy has ever looked at me and found me attractive, they just look at my thinner prettier friends and want them instead. My body has always been my one hang up, but now it seems to be affecting my life. I never feel like i want to go out on a night out as i have to see my friends looking beautiful and wearing clothes i can only dream about, but i have to put a brave face on and pretend that i am having a great night.

I could go on forever, but I don't think thats the best idea...

6:36 AM  
Blogger monkeymary89 said...

I recently hit the 200 pound mark. I don't really see myself as fat most of the time. I'm big, and I know that. I'm often unhappy with my body. . . But I can feel beautiful too. My only good friend is bigger than me, so I am not technically the fat friend. I'm just the 'fat girl' in general. Mostly people see my fatness more because I tend to wear clothes fat girls don't wear. Not to say I am one of those girls who wears clothes five sizes too small. But I like mini-skirts and tops that showcase my boobs, and things that make me feel sexy and womanly. I say dress to play up your best assets. That way, you won't be the fat friend. You'll be the sexy curvy girl that guys might prefer over your more willowy friend. Hell, if they're really your friend, they won't make you feel bad about your weight.

5:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think its not soo bad in the States. But i come from an Asian country, and Big=Bad in Asia. Im considered a size 20 (Uk size) and believe me, its TRULY hard to find anything that fits, and if it does, it comes with a price. But the same psychological problems arises as well. Nobody likes to look at you coz you're fat. Your friend are all smaller than you but they made you think you are the prettiest girl in the whole wide world and make you try on clothes you know won't fit you but they insist just to make you feel like you are not THAT huge and part of the 'circle'. Consider YOURSELF lucky you are not living in Asia.

8:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being the fat friend sucks so much. I never go out with my friends because I'm so self concious. When I do go out with my friends I don't really have a good time because my weight is constantly on my mind. I am 23 and I have never had a boyfriend. Guys don't find big girls attractive. It sucks. Why am always just the friend?

4:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Read this, anon:

http://www.mopie.com/blog/2007/02/dear-big-fat-deal.html

4:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello "fat friends",
I really think that your mentalities are the ones that are hindering all of you socially. As with any physical trait that stands out (weight or otherwise), the only time that people are aware of it is when YOU are awkward and aware of it yourself. I have fat friends who seem to be completely oblivious to their extra weight, and nobody gives it a second thought. I have friends with physical deformities (cleft pallet scars, burns, etc) who also pay no attention to their flaws, and nobody is the wiser. If you are quiet or shy because of your weight, people will be aware of it. Be yourself! Believe it or not, nobody will exclude you just because you have a few extra pounds on you. If they do, then they clearly don't appreciate you as a person; you can find friends that admire who you are and not what you look like. You deserve better than to feel awkward around your friends! Keep your chin up and be proud of who you are, fat or thin.

5:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being the fat friend and the ugly one can really do a number on you. School has always scared me not because i wasnt smart but because I was always afraid of what people were going to tell me. Everyday i was told something. My friends never told me i was fat or ugly but I never felt like I truly fit in. My best friends are around a 5'5 size 3 to an 8 and well i was 5'11 and a size 32 in high school. I could never go shopping with them because everytime I would walk into american eagle the employees look at you like uhhh fat girl lane bryant is 2 stores over.They were my best friends and yeah they knew me but all they knew was the smile on my face and my life is good act. Even till this day im 23 years old and Im still not happy and im still afraid of not fitting into chairs or bench tables. I've never had a boyfriend never been kissed because every guy that ever looked at me or talked to me wanted to know about my friends or what i can help them with. One guy that i actually thought liked me ended up wanting to be with my best friend. Since then I feel like theres no hope for me. You know they say everyone deserves to be loved so why cant I. WHO decided well this girl is going to be fat and this one beautiful. Why couldnt we all be beautiful!!

12:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being the fat friend really does make life hard. I am not only the fat friend, but I am also the fat sister-in-law. I am almost near the 200lb mark and it bithers me daily. Every time I eat something I feel so ashamed. The hard part is that my friends love to go out for food. Whenever we are together they want to go out. I keep telling myself I will get that salad, but it never happens because we go to fancy resturaunts where the salads are not as tasty as a regular garden salad. I never go shopping for clothes with my friends. I tried to go shopping with my sister-in-law, who BTW is 6 months pregnant and stil wearing her size 0 clothes, and it was humiliating. She had given me gift card for one of those trandy stores in the mall. After two hours of wnadering around and tryinjg things on I only managed to find a jacket that fit my shoulders. I ended up giving the card to one of my thinner friends. Needless to say I am 22 and live in my apartment constantly. I rarely go out or do anything. I have had boyfriends, but they were the kind who use you for all the wrong reasons and silly mistaked that for liking me. I was just overyly happy someone said they found me attractive. I am going to end this rambling now and give best wishes to all those fta friends out there. It sucks.

2:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd love to just dissapear to someplace far away and work off all my weight, really change my life and attitude and then walk back into my old settings and just be smug for a second look at the other people my size and realise how sick it is that I was made to feel so monster-like for so many years! And how much I now know I can enjoy life because I know I can do what I want.
Thuse never feeling like a failure ever again.

6:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once I went shopping for clothes with a friend who is like a sz. 2. we went in and i was like "where are the big clothes" thinking aloud. She responds by saying "I don't know, does it look like I have to shop there?" ...
It was like a knife to my heart!
I hate being bigger than all my friends.
It makes life difficult and embarrassing.

9:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

there is absolutely nothing wrong with wearing a shirt with that statement on it. i am a size 2 and i run and work out to get the body i have. wearing this shirt (which i do own by the way) is not only humorous but a way of expressing pride in the body i have. you go a&f !

5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I weighed myself the other day, and realized I weighed more than anyone else in my family, and I am the shortest. It hit me that I have become "the fat friend", and now I know why everyone goes silent when I refer to anything that has to deal with my weight...

11:11 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Anonymous who posted at 5:18, this is to you.

I am not the "fat friend," nor am I the "skinny friend." Whatever. All of that is such bullshit. But it's so sad that you have no idea what an ass you are. I hope you're happy in your size 2 body, since that's clearly the only thing keeping you from confronting your wretched personality.

3:04 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

As a kid I was normally sized and yet for some reason my family kept referring to me as chunky or chubby. I have the pictures to prove I was actually normal! There teasing though was cruel my dad constantly warned me men don't like fat girls, by five I was already skipping meals thinking my parents were going to stop loving me. I started to put on weight and by 12 I was living up to my moniker of being chubby and had a pretty high amount of body fat since I was such a klutz and no one would let me near sports activities even my gym teachers! My relatives would continuously ask how much I weighed and make snide remarks at every opportunity, hurtful remarks. Anyways by 12 I had such piss poor health I decided to fix it and I dropped the weight got down to 90 lbs (didn't want to lose that much!) by age 15 (I am 5'4) and even though my relatives saw I had lost weight they still bought me XXL clothes and referred to me as chubby even when I was skinny and no longer flabby since I exercised daily. Some people called me skinny at school, I found the very mixed signals confusing. Was I fat, healthy, or thin? I still have trouble with this concept. I will never be able to wear a swimsuit and be happy b/c my worst memories are at the pool; on a school trip that was video taped I had to listen to constant teasing about how hideous I looked in a swimsuit. We had to watch the tape multiple times even years later b/c some of the students had copies. Now as an adult I don't weigh 90 lbs and am healthy at around 120 lbs I might even feel good about my weight (I should feel good) but I am still the heavy one of my friends who are mostly significantly underweight (which seems to be the fashion). Even the one friend I do have around my weight I can't share clothes with easily because I've had a baby and she hasn't. And when I do get complimented from men rarely they always mention liking curvier, chubbier women. You can actually never be considered a healthy weight by other people I realized.

8:10 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

As a kid I was normally sized and yet for some reason my family kept referring to me as chunky or chubby. I have the pictures to prove I was actually normal! There teasing though was cruel my dad constantly warned me men don't like fat girls, by five I was already skipping meals thinking my parents were going to stop loving me. I started to put on weight and by 12 I was living up to my moniker of being chubby and had a pretty high amount of body fat since I was such a klutz and no one would let me near sports activities even my gym teachers! My relatives would continuously ask how much I weighed and make snide remarks at every opportunity, hurtful remarks. Anyways by 12 I had such piss poor health I decided to fix it and I dropped the weight got down to 90 lbs (didn't want to lose that much!) by age 15 (I am 5'4) and even though my relatives saw I had lost weight they still bought me XXL clothes and referred to me as chubby even when I was skinny and no longer flabby since I exercised daily. Some people called me skinny at school, I found the very mixed signals confusing. Was I fat, healthy, or thin? I still have trouble with this concept. I will never be able to wear a swimsuit and be happy b/c my worst memories are at the pool; on a school trip that was video taped I had to listen to constant teasing about how hideous I looked in a swimsuit. We had to watch the tape multiple times even years later b/c some of the students had copies. Now as an adult I don't weigh 90 lbs and am healthy at around 120 lbs I might even feel good about my weight (I should feel good) but I am still the heavy one of my friends who are mostly significantly underweight (which seems to be the fashion). Even the one friend I do have around my weight I can't share clothes with easily because I've had a baby and she hasn't. And when I do get complimented from men rarely they always mention liking curvier, chubbier women. You can actually never be considered a healthy weight by other people I realized.

8:10 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

My best friend is very tall and a size 16, and I'm short for my age and a size 2. We've been friends since we were toddlers and have grown up together, and our extremely different sizes only became an issue now that we're teenagers. She hates shopping with me because of it, and I hate it! She'll always call herself the "fat friend" and I need to get her to stop.

11:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay people, its tough love time. If you hate being fat, lose weight! Yea dieting is hard, exercising everyday is even harder. But the body is worth it. I am a size 0 and 5'5, I work out 80 minutes a day and am vegan, so I work for it. I cannot stand people who just complain about being fat.

7:44 PM  
Blogger Sim. said...

It is annoying being the fat one, having pictures taken at the prom with your two skinny, stunning best friends while everyone notices you're the "curvier" one as they compare you. And how they can share and swap clothes and your clothes would be to big for them. It doesn't feel better with your mum always reminding you how skinny she was and how she was a size zero when she was your age, "At 16, I was very skinny, I would eat anything and never put on weight.." & the whole, "Your little sister is so skinny, she's gonna be tall, and skinny," my dad never cared about how much weight I put on, as long I was healthy. The thing is, I'm not even big, at 5,5", 50kg, 107lbs.. but its the way the media and society convince you that your size is abnormal to the rest of the women in this world. I hate what this world has become, how prejudiced people have become against people with a little extra weight. Just be healthy, smile & carry on, and you're all beautiful in your individual ways. You shouldn't have to feel this way.

10:09 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

That's awful Sim you are already underweight I can't begin to imagine why anyone would even give you a hard time about your weight. They must just be jealous b/c from your picture it looks like you are very pretty

11:07 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I am not CALLED fat, but when I go shopping with my best girlies (all between the sizes 00 and 8) I feel awkward being a 16! My friends don't bug me about it, but I don't fit into a lot of the stores they want to shop at, like forever 21 and A&F!! So, basically, I just sit there and wait for them to be done. And the WORST part is when we're done shopping, they always want to go to Carvel/ Cinnabon/ Mrs. Fields and get junk! Way to rub it in my face that you can eat a huge ice cream sundae and not gain an ounce while I gain five pounds LOOKING at a single scoop of low-fat vanilla!
It sucks being the fat friend...

11:50 PM  
Blogger Zeynah said...

Reading this was depressing as hell. You guys obviously live in the suburbs. If the fattest woman in the world married a sexy man, you guys will be okay. It is all about confidence. If you act insecure and make it obvious then it will just escalate things. You guys are beautiful....

5:16 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I'm 13 years old and 4"11 and 115 pounds. I feel so fat compared to my friends because they're like 00 and aren't stuck skinny while I'm a 4 which is considered big in middle school FYI. My thighs are super huge but I have small hips so jean shipping is nearly impossible for me. I hate my body my friends are perfect. I've seen the way they look at my thighs like they're disgusting.

8:04 AM  

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