Dear Big Fat Deal
Every once in a while, a comment comes along that breaks my heart. Here is one such comment from Me101:
"I am the fat one in my group of friends, i am also the ugly one. I am 20 years old, and I have never had anyone tell me I am pretty or attractive...I hate myself so much, but none of my friends seem to notice....i hate being me so much it hurts, being the 'fat one' means no one guy has ever looked at me and found me attractive, they just look at my thinner prettier friends and want them instead."
I obviously don't know what you look like, Me101, but being a size 18 on top, 22 on the bottom, does not make you ugly or undesirable. Look at all the fabulous babes on Fatshionista (their livejournal community is here) who are rocking their curves. Plenty of women of all sizes have found love, plenty of men enjoy big beautiful women, and you will get plenty of attention for your own special brand of beautiful, if you can learn to love yourself.
So here's my advice, even though you didn't ask for it. Buy some cute outfits from Torrid that will make you stop envying the outfits of your friends and make you start feeling good about yourself. Understand that your fat isn't the problem--the fact that you don't see your own beauty is the problem. I know some guys will gravitate to your thinner, prettier friends, but some of them will gravitate to you as well. I know from experience. And hey, you can always go find some friends who are the same size as you are, cover yourselves in glitter, hit the town, and see what happens.
Readers, any more advice for Me101?
"I am the fat one in my group of friends, i am also the ugly one. I am 20 years old, and I have never had anyone tell me I am pretty or attractive...I hate myself so much, but none of my friends seem to notice....i hate being me so much it hurts, being the 'fat one' means no one guy has ever looked at me and found me attractive, they just look at my thinner prettier friends and want them instead."
I obviously don't know what you look like, Me101, but being a size 18 on top, 22 on the bottom, does not make you ugly or undesirable. Look at all the fabulous babes on Fatshionista (their livejournal community is here) who are rocking their curves. Plenty of women of all sizes have found love, plenty of men enjoy big beautiful women, and you will get plenty of attention for your own special brand of beautiful, if you can learn to love yourself.
So here's my advice, even though you didn't ask for it. Buy some cute outfits from Torrid that will make you stop envying the outfits of your friends and make you start feeling good about yourself. Understand that your fat isn't the problem--the fact that you don't see your own beauty is the problem. I know some guys will gravitate to your thinner, prettier friends, but some of them will gravitate to you as well. I know from experience. And hey, you can always go find some friends who are the same size as you are, cover yourselves in glitter, hit the town, and see what happens.
Readers, any more advice for Me101?
posted by mo pie at 10:41 AM
12 Comments:
ohh man, that comment felt like a punch in the guts, can remember feeling like that all too well. i think your response was brilliant and can't think of anything to add. great stuff, mo!
I just have to affirm the idea that how you feel on the inside is so important. I have known lots of women, thin, fat, it didn't matter, who maybe wouldn't win any beauty contests, but because of the positive self image that just flowed out of them, they would attract men and women to them. In fact, when I started taking care of my own mental health and feeling more positive, I noticed I was getting more attention. This is even before I lost any weight.
My suggestions are: 1)Exercise for the endorphins. Don't beat yourself up if the scale doesn't move a lot, just relish the fact that you're getting stronger and enjoy that good feeling that comes from getting your body moving.
2)If you think that you might be dealing with depression, go talk to someone. I felt like I was giving up when I finally admitted that I couldn't fight the dark feelings on my own. But in the end I felt like I had set my true self free. If you're in college, I'm sure your student health center has some sort of mental health professionals. Also, bear in mind that you may not click with your first therapist. It's perfectly ok to try someone new.
I know it's hard, and I know 20 can be a crappy age because people at that age can be really, really shallow, particularly guys. But believe me, they grow out of it. Well, most of them do at least. If they don't, they're not really the kind of people you want to hang out with anyway.
Well, for one thing, I think it's time for her to find some different friends. It would be much the same if she were 5' tall and all of her friends were 5'8" and taller - no one would "see" here - she'd be invisible because she's "the short one". She also needs to stand in front of the mirror and really get a good, loving look at herself - there is no one out there, no matter what their shape or weight or size, who doesn't have absolutely wonderful parts of their bodies - lots of people with "weight issues" tend to try to hide and are not particularly "in touch" with their bodies. Even before she can order from Torrid or Igigi or anyone else, she needs to take a good loving look at herself and open her eyes to how beautiful she is - then those purchases are going to really mean something. But in the meantime, a good first step is finding some other people who appreciate and love her for who she is.
Hang in there, kid. It's hard to believe, but there is something wonderful about everyone (even the crappy people but then it might be something very very small!), and eventually you will feel that way about you. Do talk to a professional in case it's depression.
I cried every night in middle school when it was clear that a sensitive bookworm wearing glasses and braces and hand-me-downs was not going to get any boys to like her.
Now when I look at pictures of me, I think I looked dorky but fine! It was the other people who were ugly. The clothes were bad though, in a generic late-80s ways. Paint-splattered cords - yikes!
Even here in DC, land of giggly blond girls in dark suits, I am a dark-haired girl with the short hair in a brightly colored shirt. But I have great friends and they think I look great, and we laugh a lot. Really, that's all that matters.
You matter too - don't give up on yourself.
H
Wow! I have felt the same way around my old friends. In fact, that's why my blog is called "Last Pick", its because I was always the leftovers when all the guys at the bar had picked my friends to talk to. But really, it wasn't what they looked like as much as it was their body language - they made eye contact, I didn't (and am still to timid to do so). They were confident and I was not. Think of something you are good at, or some quality that you have, that you are proud of. Cultivate it. Spend time on it. Nurture it. Focus your energy on the positive aspects of your life rather than on the times when you feel bad about yourself. As your abilities in that area expand your confidence will soar! And that will be attractive to men and women regardless of who you are standing next to.
Get a copy of Marilyn Wann's fabulous book, Fat!So?. In it, she suggests many things, but the piece of advice that turned my life around was her assertion that just because you're fat doesn't mean you have to stop living your life.
Honestly, you don't have to wait until you're a size zero before you travel, buy a bikini, take those dance lessons, or speak your mind. You don't have to be a size two before you can take that aerobics class, go after your dream job, or write the great American novel. You don't have to be a size four before you can eat those five servings of vegetables a day, pierce your belly button, and dye your hair pink. Honestly, you don't have to be a size six before you start living your life the way you want to live it, the way it deserves to be lived.
I've been there and what I brought back is the knowledge that being fat is a litmus test for weeding out the dickwads in the house. The guys who think fat can't equal fabulous? Aren't the kinds of guys you want in your life. Don't waste your time lamenting this. Recognize that it's their loss. Get on with living your life and see where that takes you. Cross a few non-relationship-type adventures off your to-do list.
And ditto on finding some new friends. Maybe your old friends are great and worth keeping, but maybe they're not the friends you think they are if you feel you're being kept around as the Fat Friend. In any case, expand your horizons to include some new people.
I'm 23 years old and vacillate between a 13/14 and 15/16. I've done this for most of my life. I walk constantly- living in a city that is horrible with public transportation, you have to! In fact, when skinny friends visit me and actually hang out with me, they often end up complaining that they're tired and can we take a taxi home, please?
Although I'm quite comfortable in my skin, there's always that niggling voice in my head that tells me sometimes that I'm lacking because I don't have the discipline or whathaveyou to be the size 10 I used to wish I could be (mostly, I can't afford a gym membership).
I was always the fat friend, the ugly friend, etc etc, and I've always surrounded myself inadvertently with beautiful people, most especially female friends. It took meeting one or two gorgeous, confident, heart-breaking plus-sized women before I realized that while beauty is all well and good, it really is quite subjective.
Yes, there are going to be a larger percentage than not of men who brush me off as being fat, but there is a type of man who thinks that I'm just right the way I am and can watch me eat spagetti or an enchilada without admonishing me for daring to enjoy my dinner. THAT is what you need to hold out for, and you will be ready for that type of man (or woman) when you can look in the mirror and see yourself as a positive, beautiful and unique woman (believe it or not, dressing in clothing that doesn't hide your body helps you to look more trim), rather than a collection of flaws.
By the way, I found this blog utterly by accident several months ago, and now I check it a couple of times daily. I'm thrilled to find a fat-positive blog that also leaves room for a little bit of tongue-in-cheek commentary. You're the reason I started shopping at Kiyonna and other online stores that flatter a larger figure (my prior experience in plus-size shopping was a horrible teenage experience in a Catherine's with a prom dress). I heart you, writer of this blog! I also heart all of the readers, who post such warm and inspirational comments. Huzzah!
Oh, sweetie, I've so been there. I thought I was fat, ugly, no one would ever love me, not good enough, and on and on. But do you know what happened? One day, around age 17, I said, "Self, fuck all that!" and decided that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was no better or worse than anyone else out there. What came next was a group of amazing friends who would have loved me if I were 100 or 400 pounds, blind, deaf, had no legs, went bald, whatever. We care for one another because of who we are, not what we look like. Then came my very first (and very, very cute!) boyfriend, who adored me just the way I was. The more you believe that you are worthwile, the more people will treat you as such. Which only reinforces the feeling that you ARE. It's a wonderful cycle.
I'm 25 now and married to a wonderful man who tells me every day how sexy and beautiful I am. For the record I'm a size 22.
And yes, go shopping! Find out what works for your body you'll feel awesome. Maybe go get a new haircut or some new makeup while you're at it. Whatever makes you feel pretty. Because you ARE!
Thanks, Xenu, for the compliment, and everyone on their great advice so far. I visited Me101's blog and posted a link to this entry, and I hope she takes your wonderful advice to heart. I hope many people do. I thought of her again when I saw the horrible promo pic for that horrible Eddie Murphy fat suit movie and I thought, this is the kind of thing that creates self-hatred. You guys rock.
My best advice is: Pretend you don't hate yourself. It's difficult to stop doing that all at once, but start doing things as if you don't. Pretend you aren't worrying about whether people think you're attractive or not. In my experience (and my friends') that air of confidence - even if it's fake - is attractive in itself.
Until I was about your age I though I was totally unfanciable. Any time a guy tried to talk to me, I thought he couldn't possibly be serious, and must be making fun of me - so I backed away. I did go out with one guy but it wasn't a success, partly because I wasn't in love with him, and also because I could never be comfortable alone with him.
Then I did various things, including travelling and living abroad on my own, and that made me feel much more confident and comfortable with myself. I was pretty clear that I didn't need a man to be happy, and I'd just enjoy being free and single...
...and then I met The One. We got together within two weeks and we were married last year. Like Neekeela said, one can be enough if it's the right one.
You are just as attractive as your friends. They will have their hangups too - everyone does. You will grow into yourself, and so will the boys you meet.
Meanwhile - you're young, and you can make the most of not having to fit in with anyone else's plans. Being half of a couple ties you down (unromantic, but true, however happy you are.) Do things for yourself - things you've always wanted to do - so that when you do meet a guy you like, you'll have interesting things to talk about.
I was the fat friend for the better half of my life, but I never really let it get in the way of feeling gorgeous and sexy...until last May I saw pictures of myself with all my friends at the beach..and I looked like a whale next to them! So I decided to do something about it..and so far this summer I've lost 20 pounds..I'm a naturally curvy girl so I only want to lose 25 more..
I know we're supposed to believe that we're beautiful how we are, but it also is a big push to your self esteem when you lose some weight!
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