These Fat Rolls Are Made For Walking
Via Nicole, I found this advice column by Carolyn Hax. Here's the question:
"I am 25 and have been with Dave, 30, for almost three years. We live together and plan to get married and have kids. One thing that repeatedly comes up, though, is my body, and my failure to go to the gym or eat right. This has been our only real disagreement. He thinks I would be perfect if I dropped 15 pounds."
Her friends are telling her that she's not overweight yet but she shouldn't "let herself go" now, and she should take him up on his offer to pay for her schooling in exchange for her losing the 15 pounds. And here's part of Hax's answer:
"Unfortunately, your shaky body image is both the exact reason you should flip Dave the bird and the exact reason you haven't been able to. You're ready to believe his criticism is fair. You're also ready to believe, enabled by friends, that his offer is about your health. It's not. It's about a guy making his love for you conditional... I have three words for you: Run, run, run. And not in the exercise sense."
I think this came up before in the infamous "false advertising" debate, but if a guy tried to dictate what he thought was my "perfect" weight and bribe me to reach it, that would be the end of that relationship. And possibly the end of that guy's ability to bear children, as I'd probably kick him right in the nuts. Or so I'd like to think.
"I am 25 and have been with Dave, 30, for almost three years. We live together and plan to get married and have kids. One thing that repeatedly comes up, though, is my body, and my failure to go to the gym or eat right. This has been our only real disagreement. He thinks I would be perfect if I dropped 15 pounds."
Her friends are telling her that she's not overweight yet but she shouldn't "let herself go" now, and she should take him up on his offer to pay for her schooling in exchange for her losing the 15 pounds. And here's part of Hax's answer:
"Unfortunately, your shaky body image is both the exact reason you should flip Dave the bird and the exact reason you haven't been able to. You're ready to believe his criticism is fair. You're also ready to believe, enabled by friends, that his offer is about your health. It's not. It's about a guy making his love for you conditional... I have three words for you: Run, run, run. And not in the exercise sense."
I think this came up before in the infamous "false advertising" debate, but if a guy tried to dictate what he thought was my "perfect" weight and bribe me to reach it, that would be the end of that relationship. And possibly the end of that guy's ability to bear children, as I'd probably kick him right in the nuts. Or so I'd like to think.
posted by mo pie at 12:51 PM
10 Comments:
And, dude, who are these friends of hers, anyway? "You're not fat yet, but don't let yourself go"??? Thanks, buddies, appreciate it.
That's what bugs me most about her story. Most of us have probably gotten caught up in the wrong relationship, but when your friends encourage you to take a bribe in the hopes that you'll never become (GASP!) fat? Ugh, please.
That sounds perfectly reasonable, practical, and non-bribey to me. But I still can't agree with telling your friends they should lose weight. I know what I weigh; I don't need anyone to lecture me about it.
I was caught by the comment about her boyfriend seeming more concerned about her not going to the gym or eating right. Perhaps that is what her friends meant by "letting herself go" rather than the 15bs.
Not much different than the celeb prenumps with weight, huh? "I'll love you for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you stay under 120."
I have a friend going through something completely opposite right now. She's heavy, but her new boyfriend wants her to get heavier. He wants a big woman to support and spoil. Although many of us would LOVE to be told we're too thin and should eat whatever we want, it's the concept of him changing her that irritates me.
Elizabeth, I find that equally creepy.
The part of Ms. Hax's response that struck me the most was where she asks, "Whatever gave this guy the idea that he was entitled to "perfect"? That he had any right to "improve" you to suit his own needs -- especially since he apparently met you as is?" This is so true.
Makes me wonder what comes after the 15lbs? "I'll buy you a whole new wardrobe, but you can only get the clothes I choose for you"?
It's sad that the fact that his efforts to control her make her blame herself for being "stubborn and prideful". What she is is pissed off and she has every right to be.
Perhaps not the most relevant, but my husband came across this the other day, and it is so disturbing I have to share:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html
It's a four page marriage contract, and it is nuts. Oddly enough, no weight requirements. Guess this guy didn't think things through.
I'm glad the advice columnist gave the good advice to run away. I read a "Can this marriage be saved?" in a Ladies Home Journal once (curse forgetting to bring a book to the doctors), and the man said in it that he didn't find his wife attractive anymore since she gained weight, and the therapist started the woman on a diet program! Asses, both of them.
Carolyn Hax' column really hit home. My husband and I have/had this kind of thing between us, except I wasn't and am not overweight -- he just wanted me more "toned." All men, he claimed, feel this way. Over our 17 years together, I've had a child and entered middle age, and weigh twenty pounds more than when we met. And so is he. He's not vocal about this issue now, doesn't give his "hints" and reassures me that he loves me and wants to be married to me for our lifetimes. But there is lingering damage, to my self esteem and to how much I trust him about me. As far as being "strong," well, I didn't diet to unhealthy weights, I fought back -- but it remains a personal button of mine. It is hard to live with and love someone and doubt that you are pleasing him in this very essential way -- though pleasing him would make you untrue to yourself. I just hoped he'd grow out of it, which maybe he has, or he will. What can I say? We all make compromises, and it's a judgement call about what you can live with and what you can't, and a lot of time, you can't tell when you're in the middle of it.
Dear G,
So you met someone. In this bizarre, cold, lonely world, you somehow bucked the odds and found someone to love you.
He overlooked your physical flaws and fell in love with you.
That's pretty amazing. You know how many people get engaged on looks alone, only to eventually find out they've married the intellectual equivalent of a tree stump — one with lovely tits, but a tree stump nonetheless?
But still you're unhappy because he doesn't think you're perfect.
Personally, I think he's doing it the right way; he's found someone who he liked for non-physical reasons; somehow noticed the chubby girl standing in the corner with a Mai Tai and for some reason actually approached her while every fiber of his loins told him to instead saunter up to the moist mammal in the tube top whose ass is such an example of geometric perfection that Archimedes himself would have shouted Eureka at its sight.
He somehow saw the diamond in the rough that is you and is willing to help you hack at the overgrowth to get to the jewel.
He's not insisting you develop a passion for midget wrestling or that you give up meat. He's not asking you to give up your religious beliefs and instead worship the Rutabaga god that commands his faith. And neither is he asking you to submit to his sexual perversion, which involves nipple clamps, a bucket of canned meat, and a 15-horsepower leaf blower.
All he's asking is that you lose 15 pounds. He's not demanding it, nor is he making your nuptials conditional on it. In fact, it sounds like he's given you a very nice incentive.
You say you're stubborn and prideful, but I think you're guiltier of another one of the seven sins: sloth. Your entire letter reeks of it. I've no doubt you're one of those women who, once they get married, let themselves turn into a toad. Of course, chances are if Dave says you'd be perfect if you lost 15 pounds, he's being charitable. You probably need to lose 30.
It looks like you spent a lot of energy in finding someone to agree with you; to tell you that you're right and that Dave is soooo unfair. You probably had yourself a lot of comfort food, too, to nurture your damaged pride.
Listen tubby, in the time it took you to seek out the advice of numerable friends and write your letter to Carolyn, you could have been well on your way to losing the 15 pounds.
Let me tell you a deep dark secret that most men know but never admit. Despite the love they might have for their tubby women, the one thought that keeps going through their heads upon rising and seeing that hulking, amorphous shape beneath the covers is, "Why-oh-why aren't you hot?"
Every time a group of friends talks about someone's sexy wife, there's that little knife prick to his heart because they sure wouldn't talk about you that way.
Yes, it's superficial. Yes, it shouldn't be that way. But it is that way. I promise you, once we get around to eradicating pride, jealousy, anger, and envy, we'll dump superficiality, too. But you better be prepared for a long wait. Man covets beauty. It thrills him. It makes his life worthwhile.
Telling him to cut off these primeval likes and yearnings is akin to telling him to chop off his fingers, which he would gladly do, along with drinking raw sewage or being chained to a rock and having vultures chew at his liver for a solid month, if it meant you'd devote a little time to cultivating your personal beauty.
You want a happy marriage? You want hubby to stay blissful, lower the odds of him straying, and ensure a satisfying sex life for yourself — the kind of sex life where you're in such a perpetual chemical euphoria that you can't even get out of your bed and that it's all you can do to brush your teeth, turn your head, and spit at the trash basket? Hell, that kind of sex burns fat and keeps the pounds off because there's little interest in eating food.
You want to enjoy an active social life because he's proud to take you out and show you off? Do you want to lose the burden of those college loans?
Lose the 15.
If you had written to Carolyn complaining about how Dave was badgering you to get better with money or pick up after yourself, she would have no doubt sided with Dave, but since you're talking about something that rubs close to the bone of almost every woman — body image — she wants you to kick Dave to the curb.
And don't think for one minute this is a sexist thing. If you had written to Carolyn complaining how Dave wouldn't lose 15 pounds for you, I'd be on your side, just like I'm on Dave's side now. My argument would be a little different, but my advice would be the same.
If you're not willing to make the effort, G, then I have just three words for Dave: Run, run, run. And not in the exercise sense.
(Courtesy of TC)
it wasnt a bribe. if ur lukin at this now G, i suggest u ask urself if he realyy wouldnt loan you the cash if you had not agreed to him. Maybe that was a joke, or an encouragement. If you have any time, read the article about yourself here
http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_article/sex_news_sports_funny_grok/whyohwhy_arent_you_hot
you probably would wanna kick tc in the nuts after this.
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