Like Mother, Like Daughter
It's one of the things that scares me about having kids - I don't want a daughter to have the same weight issues I have, or if she does, I don't want her to be as unhappy in her skin as I have been.
This is a great article about how the media can break our heads - even as early as five or six years old, for Christ's sake - when it comes to body image, and how our own preoccupation with dieting and weight and the state of our bodies can affect our children. The article provides some good advice on how to help keep our kids from that falling into trap.
Which sounds incredibly hard - we have to change our own messed-up relationship with our bodies first? Goddamnit. But it makes sense. And I appreciate the last tip, about kids who really do have a weight problem, cautions parents about putting their kids on a diet, which seems to me to be the first step in a lifetime of food issues. Or that could just be me.
This is a great article about how the media can break our heads - even as early as five or six years old, for Christ's sake - when it comes to body image, and how our own preoccupation with dieting and weight and the state of our bodies can affect our children. The article provides some good advice on how to help keep our kids from that falling into trap.
"Even young children pick up on it when their mothers hate their bodies, which is why psychotherapist Em Farrell advises mums to talk positively about their own bodies."
Which sounds incredibly hard - we have to change our own messed-up relationship with our bodies first? Goddamnit. But it makes sense. And I appreciate the last tip, about kids who really do have a weight problem, cautions parents about putting their kids on a diet, which seems to me to be the first step in a lifetime of food issues. Or that could just be me.
posted by anne at 5:59 AM
10 Comments:
It's not just you.
I only saw part of the show - but here is a somewhat great/ somewhat cruddy write up of "Ugly Betty" and societies relationship to weight and beauty.
http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/09/28/eye.ent.betty/index.html
It's definitely not just you. For me, being put on a diet at the age of 9 was the beginning of a slippery slope that led quite quickly to bulimia.
The cool thing about the article though, is that it emphasizes not just body acceptance, but also being as active as possible, and not making food the center of the family's life, which I would think means healthier kids who accept their healthy bodies.
I had the same fear and was somewhat relieved when I found out I was having boys. My mother's relationship with food and her constant remarks about my body have led to a lifetime of problems for me. Though I have sons, it's still a lot of work to make sure food is just food to my boys and also to keep my own dieting low key. I don't have them on a low fat diet, though I am. Ellen Satter's books have been extremely helpful.
If you haven't seen Little Miss Sunshine, there's a scene that deals with just this issue in a very informed and sweet manner.
I agree with Richard. It is a very tricky balance, and not just with weight issues. It's one thing to browbeat your kids and ruin their self-esteem, but it's just as bad to be so lax and agreeable about everything that your kids are completely lacking in direction.
I too could have used some prodding from my parents. It would have averted years of struggling with my own bad habits. For me, it wasn't just the weight. I was generally lazy and lacking in self-discipline in all areas of my life.
A little tough love would have gone a long way with me, and I'm not talking about beatings or military school. Just some firm but gentle guidance.
Re: Mike and Richard's comments - I agree it's important to give kids direction and not just smilingly approve of everything that they do, even if it's bad for them, but I think this article was pretty good at pointing out that it's a lot easier on the kids if you do focus on what they DO rather than on how they look. If you instill good exercise and eating habits in a kid and she is still fat, hounding her about it is just going to be bewildering, and anyway, a kid who is raised never knowing anything but good eating and good exercise is unlikely to have a significant weight problem. The parents' only job after that is to fight the machine, and try to keep their kid from falling in to the energy-wasting trap of hating their own body.
Also, I think it's interesting that both of the commenters who said they wished their parents had been a little harder on them about their weight are men - since boys (until pretty recently anyway) aren't being hit from all sides about their bodies the way girls are, maybe that approach wouldn't be so traumatizing for them. Having been through it though (first diet at age 9, like lizw - and very clear memories of mom praising my best friend at age 6 for perpetually walking around with her stomach sucked in) I do know it is devastating for a lot of girls.
Yeah, it took me years to figure out why I was so sure that I was fat and plain, despite people around me (including my parents, my whole life) telling me the opposite -- and finally realized that , while Mom had always said how pretty I was, she has always believed that she is fat and plain, so I grew up unconsciously accepting that that's how women are supposed to think about themselves.
Like being a parent isn't hard and complicated enough already...
I can relate to *everything* said here.
One of the reasons - in fact the primary reason - I never had children was that I didn't want to pass on my "fat genes" on to them.
Growing up, I got very mixed messages from my parents about my body. My father was obese as an adolescent, but managed his weight as an adult through self-discipline and a physically demanding job. My mother was one of those "lucky" people who could eat anything and never gain much weight. She was always carping about my weight when I was a child, yet at the same time treated me with ice-cream, broke out the chocolate bars every night in front of the TV, and baked cakes and muffins every week.
I have battled weight problems all my life, and over the last few years have dropped 40% of my bodyweight. My father is proud of me (but he never says this in front of my mother) while mother has barely commented on my weight loss. She has diabetes (which is why I said she was one of the "lucky" people in quotes), high blood pressure, osteoporosis, and high cholesterol. Every reminder of how hard I work out and how carefully I have to watch what I eat is like a slap in her face - a reminder of how she should have taken her health more seriously. She's always on at me about how I "work out too much", "running is bad for you" - she even says "hiking is bad for you". She was against me joining a gym in the first place because "they're just out to take your money"!
It was very hard for me to accept, but I now realise that my mother had a vested interest in my being massively overweight, as she's the kind of person who derives her own self-esteem from feeling superior to other people - even if it's her own daughter. (As you can probably tell, I'm cutting a very long story short here.)
Looking back, I think my mother just didn't know how to deal with my weight problem as a child. But at the same time, I recognise that she had mixed motives.
Sorry for the long rant!
No, not at all, susan.
And thank all of you guys, for your stories and your honesty.
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