Rocking My Fatness
I see you, my commenters, posting in the comments of this post in which The Fat Girl thinks about weight loss surgery. When there are fabulous blogs and posts out there like this one, you have to tell me about them, my friends! I feel so out of the loop.
"I'm kind of having fun being fat right now. I'm kind of having a lot of fun being fat right now. I am rocking my fatness... So why haven't I chosen weight-loss surgery?... Currently I'm having a little bit of difficulty answering that question because I'm not really feeling any penalties of being fat other than residual emotional stuff, and I'm so enjoying all of the stuff surrounding fatness—getting to shock people by shocking about it, the thrill of the chase of fat clothes shopping, the thinking about fat semiotics, &c. Nevertheless, I think if the question were if I'd rather never have been fat, the answer would be affirmative. But that's not going to happen. And weight-loss surgery won't take away the pain I've already come through. It won't take away my stretch marks or my loose skin or give me unblemished years as a taut teenage beauty-ideal girl. I'm sad that I never got to be that girl. But weight-loss surgery wouldn't fix that."
The whole entry is great, so go read it if you haven't already. It seems like a lot of people are choosing weight-loss surgery these days (Robyn of course comes to mind if you want an honest account of a very successful WLS experience) and as a fat girl, over the years, I've certainly thought about it. This despite the fact that I am terrified of surgery, and also the word "pouch," a kangaroo-esque word that I find creepy. But I don't know that I've ever been completely honest about what I would want out of it. Not necessarily surgery, which is basically off the table for me, but weight loss in general.
That's why this post hit me as such a revelation: I'll never get to re-live my childhood, or my high school years, or my college years, or the past year, as a thin person. Is that what we imagine surgery would do for us? Is that what I imagine losing fifty pounds would do? I do, I think, have this sort of concept of weight loss as retroactive. Like the new skinny me will override the old fat me, and she will never have existed. People will forget her, because she isn't the me they want to see. People will forget her, because I've admitted there was something wrong with her, and killed her off. People will forget her, because I will have forgotten her.
And goddamnit, I'm with The Fat Girl. I don't want to forget her. I dig her.
"I'm kind of having fun being fat right now. I'm kind of having a lot of fun being fat right now. I am rocking my fatness... So why haven't I chosen weight-loss surgery?... Currently I'm having a little bit of difficulty answering that question because I'm not really feeling any penalties of being fat other than residual emotional stuff, and I'm so enjoying all of the stuff surrounding fatness—getting to shock people by shocking about it, the thrill of the chase of fat clothes shopping, the thinking about fat semiotics, &c. Nevertheless, I think if the question were if I'd rather never have been fat, the answer would be affirmative. But that's not going to happen. And weight-loss surgery won't take away the pain I've already come through. It won't take away my stretch marks or my loose skin or give me unblemished years as a taut teenage beauty-ideal girl. I'm sad that I never got to be that girl. But weight-loss surgery wouldn't fix that."
The whole entry is great, so go read it if you haven't already. It seems like a lot of people are choosing weight-loss surgery these days (Robyn of course comes to mind if you want an honest account of a very successful WLS experience) and as a fat girl, over the years, I've certainly thought about it. This despite the fact that I am terrified of surgery, and also the word "pouch," a kangaroo-esque word that I find creepy. But I don't know that I've ever been completely honest about what I would want out of it. Not necessarily surgery, which is basically off the table for me, but weight loss in general.
That's why this post hit me as such a revelation: I'll never get to re-live my childhood, or my high school years, or my college years, or the past year, as a thin person. Is that what we imagine surgery would do for us? Is that what I imagine losing fifty pounds would do? I do, I think, have this sort of concept of weight loss as retroactive. Like the new skinny me will override the old fat me, and she will never have existed. People will forget her, because she isn't the me they want to see. People will forget her, because I've admitted there was something wrong with her, and killed her off. People will forget her, because I will have forgotten her.
And goddamnit, I'm with The Fat Girl. I don't want to forget her. I dig her.
posted by mo pie at 6:14 AM
13 Comments:
I would like to give a shout-out to Fat Me, too. I didn't get fat until I was about 19 and since then I've had the most fun.
I won't erase Fat Me by being thin and I wouldn't want to either despite my horrible job and my mother issues. I'm in the prime of my life! I like my softness and the fact that it feels good for people to hug me.
I used to want to lose weight for the vanity only. I wanted to be hot and have all the "power" that hotness gave me. That's not the case now. I want to own my body and not let my past food and body image issues own my body.
I want to be strong and healthy. My "goal weight" would still put me in the overweight range, but I don't care.
I love The Fat Girl, and I wish both she AND Anne from Hello, I Am Fat wrote more. There's a lot of really insightful broads out there that I obsessively check to see if they've written anything new (even though I mostly lurk).
It's nice to have a group of anonymous women and men who I relate to so deeply -- especially in that AMBIVALENCE area that I struggle with...I hate fat predjudice, but I do not want to be fat.
I'm all for fat acceptance but don't want to accept my own obesity and want a healthy weight for myself. I also don't want to be assaulted with hate and discrimination on the way down either.
It's a fine line and I feel like I fall through the cracks between hard-core dieters and the NAFAA. I'm glad there are others out here in the blogosphere straddling that line with me!
I read this site often but haven't posted before. This post hits home. I came very close to having surgery. Decided agains't it for a bunch of reasons, insurance being one, but am now very happy I didn't have it. Wish I was thinner and am slowly getting there but I no longer feel so totally awful about myself like I did while I was going about getting approval for the surgery. For the first time I felt like a horrible morbidly obese slug of a human being with other people judging whether or not I deserved to have the surgery. It really damaged my self-image for awhile but fortunately I got my head back on staight. Thanks for your site.
Your revelation fascinates me, as an aspect of the desire to lose weight I hadn't considered before--namely, whether that desire is looking to restore a state of being that is unrestorable. That said, however, what of the look ahead?
I accidentally clicked save instead of edit, so I wasn't able to continue my thought. I believe that the "old fat me" never disappears, whether you remain that way or get skinny. She will always be there. And she will always be better for having been fat.
I hated myself during my high-school years, hated being fat and hated how I looked. The thing is, my goal weight now is what I weighed in high school. I didn't realize until I was well into my 40s that I wasn't a fat girl at all. I wasted so much time comparing myself to models and entertainers who were emaciated. I'll never get there, and I'll never be able to relive high school, but I will be happier and more comfortable, both inside and out, when I learn to maintain a reasonable weight.
You know, that is such a good question, and I've been thinking about it for the past couple of days, and I have realized that I don't think that's ever been a secret hope for me - trying to recapture something I never had.
I have thoroughly mourned the fact that I did not have a youth full of miniskirts and bikinis and I think I have come to terms with the fact that I have spent my life as a fat girl, and I know that's inevitably colored everything - physically, mentally, emotionally, in a way that will never go away. It hasn't just affected my body - it's been a huge part of making me who I am - and I am pretty goddamn happy with who I am. For all the problems I have with my body and living inside my skin, and all the hard moments I have, I am pretty happy with this person I've turned out to be.
Now I would just like this person to be able to run up stairs and climb hills and ride a bike without wanting to die.
Very thought-provoking, particularly the bit about never being able to reclaim a thin youth.
Most of the fun I missed out on when I was younger should be blamed on lack of self-confidence rather than weight primarily (I was another one of those who really wasn't that fat, but thought she was). And it does lead me to wonder: how much of what I choose to do now can be attributed to making up for lost time? For example, I've definitely bought clothes with the thought "I should get this now, while I'm still young enough not to look totally ridiculous."
Not that I think I look ridiculous now. But when I was 16, I did (and you're allowed, nay, supposed to try out a bit of ridiculousness then: it's part of becoming an adult). I'm about the same size now as I was then, but my attitude to life is totally different. Sometimes you wish you could take your younger self by the hand and tell her that everything will be all right...
I lost 75 lbs in my early 20s and have kept it off. Am I happier and living life more fully now? You bet. Do I still see myself as the undesirable fat teenager I used to be? Absolutely. I fight it, but it's always there. For 20+ years it was the only reality I ever knew. Part of me is grateful for growing up that way--it forced me to focus on what I wanted for my life, rather than on what some boy wanted like so many of my girlfriends did. Still, the emotional scars remain.
It's so true you can never erase the fat girl you were growing up. That shouldn't be a goal of losing weight--only what you want for your future should be.
Good analysis.
I lost close to 100 pounds some years back through lengthy fasting, and did 'enjoy' my new body in many ways, though I hated it as well (extra skin and stretch marks really do never go away). I felt all self-satisfied that I would be one of that 2% that keeps the weight off for more than five years--until health problems compelled me to give up the regular fasting and extreme exercise schedule it took to keep the weight off. Now, back at my original weight, I miss the physical energy I had at the lower weight, and especially the 'normal treatment' I received from those with whom I interacted. Mentally, however, the experience has led to a lot of personal growth, and inspired some fat-rights activism on my part. So, overall, I'm happy.
Wow how insightful and boy does it hit home! Both the idea of trying to relive my youth and the one comment about how your goal weight now is what you were convinced was fat in high school! I have to say I am in awe of anyone who can have such a healthy body image. If only we could all just say ok I'm fat who cares it is not an issue and move on. Ahh but then what would our shrinks do for a living?? On a serious note I am glad that some people are taking the bariatric surgery choice so seriously. I work in the medical profession and have seen the real results of bariatric surgery. Not the Al Rokers and Star Jones version, but the ones that are now having serious health issues and even dying from complications...yes dying. For some people maybe there is no other option, but please anyone out there considering this please ask questions and do your research. It is not the miracle the press makes it out to be!
I thought this blog was a joke at first! I had to read it a couple of times to be sure. Oh Thank God! I just started a blog up today about the hell I am going through trying to live in a world where it seems that people would rather see me dead than have to look at me. I am 5'3 and 350lbs. Day and night I am getting harrassed by someone about getting "the bypass". I decided years ago that I would never do this for all the obvious and some of the not so obvious reasons. I went to the dr to have a consult about a surgery not having anything to do with weight and he said that he wouldn't fix what needed to have fixed immediately, but he would be more than happy to do a bypass and wait a whole year for me to "lose all the weight" promising to give me a nice tummy tuck when he took care of my current issue-how sweet! Grrr! Which means that I run the risk of dying from the issue that no one wants to repair. So now I'm franticly searching for a surgeon who actually wants to help me and doesn't just want to shove a bypass at me. This is what it's coming to. No one cares about who you are unless you have the surgery. I started my blog thinking that I might just be crazy for not wanting that "magic bullet" but now I see that I am not the only one who doesn't want to mutilate themselves just to please their husbands, families and the public at large while lining the pockets of the surgeons who probably wouldn't go to a gastric patient's funeral if they died on their table or died of a blood clot to the lung post op.
Peace!
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Welcome to the blog, Mary!
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