Be My Fat Friend!
This is more of a Fatty McBlog-esque post, since it’s not a link or anything, just a thought I’m throwing out there for the sake of some conversation. I think that if this turns out to be some sort of regular feature, it needs some kind of pithy name. Maybe we can call it Friday’s Usual Coffee Klatch. You know, just for the acronym’s sake.
Anyway, I work at a company with over six hundred employees, so it’s a pretty busy building with a lot of turnover. There are definitely plenty of people I see every day that I’ve never seen before or that I don’t know, so the following thing happens to me frequently: Every time I see a woman who is on the larger side, my immediate gut reaction is that I want to be friends with her. I smile warmly and I wish that I had an excuse to talk to her. I completely assume that I’ll have lots in common with her, that we’d make awesome friends, and also that she’ll like me better than the average person might.
This strikes me as a little weird and unfair and judgmental on my part. On the other hand, I guess we are drawn to people who resemble us physically—whether it’s according to race or body shape or type of clothing style, or any other markers, chosen or not, that we display to the world. But do you know what I mean? Does this ever happen to you? Do you think I'm totally a bad person now?
Anyway, I work at a company with over six hundred employees, so it’s a pretty busy building with a lot of turnover. There are definitely plenty of people I see every day that I’ve never seen before or that I don’t know, so the following thing happens to me frequently: Every time I see a woman who is on the larger side, my immediate gut reaction is that I want to be friends with her. I smile warmly and I wish that I had an excuse to talk to her. I completely assume that I’ll have lots in common with her, that we’d make awesome friends, and also that she’ll like me better than the average person might.
This strikes me as a little weird and unfair and judgmental on my part. On the other hand, I guess we are drawn to people who resemble us physically—whether it’s according to race or body shape or type of clothing style, or any other markers, chosen or not, that we display to the world. But do you know what I mean? Does this ever happen to you? Do you think I'm totally a bad person now?
posted by mo pie at 2:23 PM
8 Comments:
i'm very fat. will you be my friend too?
i agree, i tend to want to be friendly with the fat chicks too. like maybe we should stick together because we are the invisible minority or something.
i really hate when i am friendly to a new fat chick and she is a total bitch. because fat chicks should always be nice to each other. we get enough flack from those normal weight people.
Wow. I am very guilty of the opposite. I go out of my way to not befriend other female fatties. If they come up to me, cool. But I never really approch them. I think it must go back to some kind of defensive tactic I learned in grade school. Or, perhaps, I just don't want her to think I'm talking to her because she's fat. And I wouldn't want her to think I was talking to her and assuming that she fit in my "category" of fatness.. that I think she is as fat as I am. So... perhaps that's it... I dunno. Good question though... obviously something I should process in therapy.
I think there's a certain instinctive, tribal pull to people who resemble you. I made almost instant friends once with a woman I met through a temp assignment, and we liked each other a lot, but we both think that the likely immediate unconscious pull was that we both look very Irish -- both tall, red-headed, broad-shouldered, broad-hipped women.
i'm like that. i'm always more friendly to larger people that smaller ones. i don't know if it's in my head or real, but they seem to be more friendly. maybe i just find them less intimidating. i'm not fat but i know what it's like to feel insecure about weight.
Denny
Yeah, what they said, especially Anonymous One. I guess I don't count as strictly-speaking fat anymore (except to the teenaged and size 0), but you might say I have a fat brain: I still feel like it's this community of the scarred and I'll always belong (like that mini-essay about fat-to-thin being like immigration in Tales from the Scale, Mo. That really struck a chord.)
Also--and I don't know if I'd feel this way if I hadn't been fat--when I see someone very heavy, I do know something about that person, like it or not. That person has suffered. She (usually) may be fine with her weight, may have a great self-image, may be an Amazonian powerhouse, but it's almost impossible that she didn't suffer to get there. She may also be a complete bitch--like Anonymous, this always surprises me unreasonably!--but that too tends to go with pain. And I hate suffering. Sometimes it's necessary, but one of those weird-ass things about the world is that you either get too little or (much more likely) too much. So what I feel for the very heavy is this pang of oh, girl. Or boy...but what I'm relating to about the person in question isn't so much body type. It's common suffering. We really do have something deep in common, having felt similar pain in similar ways, and I think that'll make nearly anyone feel friendly, if we recognize and acknowledge it. The other common option is to learn to hate your home community to emphasize that you're not there anymore, but not many of us seem to go that route, mercifully.
--Cat
I feel that way when I see fat people at the gym. I know how hard it can be to go there, and how snarky some people can be. I try to send them good mental vibes as encouragement. Maybe I should strike up conversations.
i wouldn't say that it's judgmental at all.. like you said, we're drawn to people who resemble us in some way. i suffer from major depression and a lot of mental problems, so i'm drawn to people who look sad, who look like they've been through hell, who look sickly, even. it's kind of weird, but it's life. you're not a bad person. :)
I feel like this ALL the time! And its a crapshoot as to the reaction I get when I smile at them - some have that same look in their eye - that "You understand me." look. But some seem extra closed off to me.
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