Afraid To Be Fat
I was struck by the wonderful George Carlin quote that Marla posted in the lexicon thread and went searching for it online. I found this page, which has a lot of good quotes, but I was especially struck by this one from Our Bodies, Ourselves:
Many of us are convinced that making women afraid to be fat is a form of social control. Fear of fat keeps women preoccupied, robs us of our pride and energy, keeps us from taking up space.
There's a certain amount of energy that each of us has to spend in making sure we are healthy, making the best choices, and feeling good about ourselves. But this quote still gave me a chill. Because not a single one of my male friends obsesses about weight or has ever obsessed about weight to the extent that women do. And here I mean most women, not just women who have legitimate health issues. We obsess about weight to the exclusion of what? Equality? Is it possible?
Maybe men do feel the same preoccupation, except without the societal permission to talk about it. Or maybe we, women, are allowing ourselves to be controlled by this fear, as the quote above suggests. Maybe we are wasting our energy on something that ultimately isn't that important, and is in fact even more insidious than we imagine.
Many of us are convinced that making women afraid to be fat is a form of social control. Fear of fat keeps women preoccupied, robs us of our pride and energy, keeps us from taking up space.
There's a certain amount of energy that each of us has to spend in making sure we are healthy, making the best choices, and feeling good about ourselves. But this quote still gave me a chill. Because not a single one of my male friends obsesses about weight or has ever obsessed about weight to the extent that women do. And here I mean most women, not just women who have legitimate health issues. We obsess about weight to the exclusion of what? Equality? Is it possible?
Maybe men do feel the same preoccupation, except without the societal permission to talk about it. Or maybe we, women, are allowing ourselves to be controlled by this fear, as the quote above suggests. Maybe we are wasting our energy on something that ultimately isn't that important, and is in fact even more insidious than we imagine.
posted by mo pie at 8:46 AM
10 Comments:
I love this subject. Love it. I'm been going around and around (birthday-inspiredly, alas) in my own mind about how much energy I'm giving/wasting? on this effort to lose weight. I agree with Robyn (of course!) only, I imagine that if I could put food out of my life and out of mind, I would have enough energy to make my house beautiful and get my book written.
After that, of course, I would work on world peace.
Also, I am learning to love the word fat. I guess maybe I am claiming it. Owning it. Hah. I have a few friends -- my own little fat club -- where we feel safe saying it out loud. About ourselves and to each other. In fact, the current favorite rejoinder -- no matter what the the question or statement -- is: "Did you just call me fat?"
At the same time, I'm pretty sure I'd be really upset if a nonfat person called me fat -- no matter what the context.
But when I read: "Because not a single one of my male friends obsesses about weight or has ever obsessed about weight to the extent that women do." I had an immediate and very bitter reaction. All men may not obsess about weight, but hit any dating site and you'll find plenty who do.
First contact, sometimes even first question: "So, exactly how many 'extra' pounds do you have?" Let alone their "My Match" profiles, where any woman under 5'6" and over 110 pounds is considered "rubinesque."
They obsess about weight, alright. Ours.
yvonne
Hmm. Ever picked up an issue of "Men's Health"? It's like Cosmo, but for men. However, my impression is that it has a lot more on health and fitness and keeping in good shape than it has on dating and sex. Well, perhaps that's because of the "health" part of the magazine title... but I think perhaps men worry more about their weight than is typically thought, and they are just more private about it, or hide it in a more acceptable concern for "fitness"?
Certainly, I've had male friends who obsess more about their weight or how they look than I do (but I'm fairly low on the spectrum for women), or for whom going to the gym or working out is a lot more important than for my female friends. And I know men who watch what they eat very carefully to the point where I'm like, hey, one dessert won't kill you!
Maybe it's a New York thing?
I am in part playing devil's advocate because I know that there is a lot more societal pressure on women. Mo, I think it would be interesting if you did a comparison of men's and women's magazines in how weight is addressed.
--tracing
I hate to post this anonymously, but I'm just too darn lazy to get Yet Another Account somewhere.
As I'm a male, I don't really know how much women think about weight issues...but it's a relative thing--some guys spend tons of energy keeping tabs on their own weight, some don't care. Consider that the bodybuilding mags almost always show guys with really low BF ratios and that "cutting" is typically part of the whole cycle. (Bodybuilding magazines are the closest equivalent to "Elle" I can come up with, and it's a great example of a lot of men being extremely obsessive about their bodies.)
I don't think it's a "form of social control"--that sort of thinking is paranoia taken to an extreme. It's true the media usually portray women as skinny little things, but it's also true that obese guys are ridiculed on a regular basis. Am I preprogrammed to find skinny women attractive? I don't know... but consider that advertising in the early 1700s showed thin women and the obese ones were ridiculed, so it's been around for a long time. The truly classic sculptures of women are usually thin/plump and rarely what one would call "seriously overweight".
I used to have a weight problem (I went from 215lbs to 160lbs). I fixed it by eating less and exercising more, with more exercise being the real key. I lost weight because I look better without the flab and because I care about my longterm health. I take care of my diet needs by eating a pretty strict diet six days a week and eating whatever I want on the seventh, plus regular weighings. That's not "obsessing", that's just keeping healthy.
I think if you *have* to obsess over it there's something really wrong. Either you decide to control your weight, or not. If you want to control your weight, it's almost always feasible to come up with a low-maintenance diet and exercise plan. If you don't want to control your weight, then there's nothing to obsess over.
As for the awful debates over whether guys obsess over a potential date's weight...
Most guys, including myself, don't find grossly obese women physically attractive. (I'm sure some do, but they're in the minority.) I've met some very attractive women who were probably 25-30% overweight. I also find women at healthy weights attractive, and even really skinny women. While I would never totally rule out dating someone who was very overweight, a serious weight problem would make it less likely... there's the attractiveness issue, and the (more important) "how much do I care about myself?" issue.
There's no point in getting angry at a potential date who asks "so, just *how* heavy are you?" It doesn't do any good, and far better to get it over with up front. It'd suck to have him/her ridicule you in public or run off screaming or something. (Dating seems to be one of the few realms left where people are allowed to make personal choices about what they find attractive.) If it's one of the first things they ask, then you know what's most important to them (presumably looks) and you can decide if he/she is worth dating. It's like not providing a personal photo--they're going to find out what you look like eventually, better to do it up front than hope for a miracle.
Most women also care about looks in potential dates, it's just expressed differently--and a severely overweight (or ugly) guy has just as much trouble getting a date as a severely overweight (or ugly) woman.
A couple of thoughts, anonymous... first, I think there's a difference between men wanting to bodybuild and women wanting to lose weight. I think the emphasis on "getting stronger" versus "there is something wrong with me" is an important distinction.
And also, someone asking "just how heavy are you?" is an asshole move. Anyone who would "ridicule you in public or run off screaming or something" is an asshole.
Um, Male Anonymous? I really can't get into it, but your comment smacks, in more ways than one, of Someone Who Just Doesn't Get It. Your comment is a perfect example of the disconnect between the reality of women's health/weight issues and the stereotypical male perspective surrounding the issue.
I don't want to be sarcastic, so I will borrow the words of Jennifer Weiner's heroine in "Good in Bed" when talking to a nurse at a weight loss group who has, once again, explained the difference of watching what one eats and getting plenty of exercise. Weiner writes: "'So if I eat more calories than I burn...' I slapped my forehead. 'My God! I finally get it! I understand! Healed! Saved! Thank you, Jesus, and the Weight and Eating Disorders Center, for taking the blinders from my eyes!'"
It would probably be better if I could tease apart all the sexist and sizest (yes, sizest, don't laugh) things you wrote and articulately explain why you're wrong, but I have better things to do with my time than argue, dissertation-style, with a stranger on the Internet. Let's just put it this way, since I can really only speak for myself on this issue.... Losing weight for ME would be a full-time job, and I already have one that I love.
I feel empowered by exercise and being strong, not trapped by it. My eating is calibrated to give me power and energy in my workouts, and it's fun. If some asshole wants to mug me, I can run five miles for help. I can surprise him with judo moves I learned at the gym - unlike pantyhose, high heels, and lack of activity, exercise empowers.
I'm not sure why the world at large or the American world at large has decided to keep women in their place by not allowing them to be happily fat. People who just don't like fat people can tactfully say "oh, it's for your health. You really should lose weight!!" BS!!! It's just as dangerous to be anorexic as it is to be fat in my humble opinion.
Whoever said it is right. By keeping women focused on their thighs they divert the energy from oh such things as a livable wage and health care for all.
Please keep writing I want to see what you have to say about "Fat Actress." I think it's horrible. It would be one thing if Kirstie could say "I'm fat, so what I can still act." But no she's allowed Hollywood to make her diet so she can work again. It's pathetic, sick and typical.
To Anonymous Male-you might want to ask yourself WHY you don't find heavy women attractive? Attractive people come in all sizes. I happen to think Kirstie is stunning in some photos and at some angles just like everyone. We all have our good and bad sides. To ask a woman "how much do you weight" online before you meet her is--sick and pathetic. Men ask this question then wonder why women lie about their weight.
Hmmm. Time for another boy to weigh in I suppose.
I think the other anonymous writer said what I would have said pretty well. But I would add something.
There are VERY few men who have weight loss / fitness blogs on the internet. I mean like I have spent the past few weeks, and I only come up with about five legitimate ones; whereas, in the female sphere, there are literally hundreds. So, ask yourself this question: Do you think women who want to lose weight outnumber men 20:1 and therefore, they have more websites dedicated to weight loss? (I don't believe this).
Actually, what I believe is that the number of overweight men/women is probably roughly equal BUT women are willing to share and help each other -- men are forced into inner dark caverns and attempt to find a way out of the black hole without others.
Indeed, my blog is anonymous -- because I would be embarassed if the world knew I was trying to lose weight, despite the fact that I've dropped 7" inches from my waits and gone from 270 to 230.
Hey, at least you guys have someone to talk to :-). But, I'm not bitter, honest! I just want to point out that it's not all chocolate and snowflakes on the male side of the aisle.
k
Sorry, you can find my blog here:
http://droppinga100pounds.blogspot.com/
In fact, though it may take me a week or two (finals at school now) -- I would like to write a more thoughtful reasoned post on my blog -- when I do I'll link back to this post.
k
Actually it isn't. The penis is a reproductive organ, not a muscle. Am I the only person who paid attention in bio?
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